if i’m honest

  • Duration: 2 minutes 41 seconds
  • BPM: 86
  • Key: Gm
  • Chords:
    • i – VI – III – VII
    • Capo III
      • Em – C – G – D

I wrote if i’m honest towards the end of 2019, in an all-nighter at the studio, when I was going through a rough time.

It was meant to be the closing single for #pinkfridays vol. I, but life got in the way and the song never made it out of the project folder. However, for some reason it kept creeping back into my thoughts every few weeks…

Fast forward to September 2020. I was looking through some of my files and I re-discovered the old folder. I had a listen and right then and there I just felt like it had to be the opening single for #pinkfridays vol. II, it made sense to pick up where we left off, no better way than with an honest “hey, I’m back again, this is what’s been going on, is anyone still there?”

Songwriting

Lyrics

If I’m honest I’m addicted to losing
Real honest, I’m a sucker for the losing side
I don’t even wanna know why
No, I don’t even wanna know why
If I’m honest I’m addicted to losing
Real honest, I’m a sucker for the losing side
I don’t even wanna know why
No, I don’t even wanna know why

I think it’s easier to know
Something ain’t gonna work out
It’s easier than looking inside of me
To see what’s wrong
I know it’s much easier to blame
This fucked up world
And you, every single fucking one of you
For having me misunderstood

If I hate you
Will you love me?
If I hate you
Will you?

’cause if I’m honest I’m addicted to losing
Real honest, I’m a sucker for the losing side
I don’t even wanna know why
No, I don’t even wanna know why
If I’m honest I’m addicted to losing
Real honest, I’m a sucker for the losing side
I don’t even wanna know why
No, I don’t even wanna know why

Self sabotage, sweeter than any other drug
Of course I wouldn’t know
But I’m pretty sure I’m right
It’s much easier to stay put
Than to even fake a move
Much nicer to remain
Than to leave everything behind

If I hate you
Will you love me?
If I hate you
Will you?

’cause if I’m honest I’m addicted to losing
Real honest, I’m a sucker for the losing side
I don’t even wanna know why
No, I don’t even wanna know why
If I’m honest I’m addicted to losing
Real honest, I’m a sucker for the losing side
I don’t even wanna know why
No, I don’t even wanna know why

If I’m honest
Will you love me?
If I’m honest
Really honest
Will you love me?
If I’m honest
If I’m honest
If I’m honest

I feel like the vulnerability and rawness of the lyric and the vocal take are what make the song, so I couldn’t go back and mess with it. It just wouldn’t be true at that point. So I decided to put my ego aside and let the song be what it wanted to be. Like a polaroid of that night. No re-recording vocals, no polishing up the production, no filter. Just the honest expression of that night.

As artists we’re the ones in service of the song, not the other way around. When a song wants to sound broken or imperfect, it’s our job to understand that and let it be. As a songwriter and producer knowing when to stop is one of the hardest parts, and this was a great lesson in that aspect.

if i’m honest is as personal and real as I’ve got as a songwriter up to date. The whole song is me talking to you, my listener. Sort of thinking out loud and talking about “losing” in my music career, and the kind of addiction one ends up developing to it—to releasing music and feeling like it goes into a void and no one ever gets it. I talk about self-sabotage and other insecurities, even asking the listener “If I hate you, will you love me? if I hate you, will you?”

Here’s a live acoustic version of the song:

Production

It starts of as a piano and vocal singer-songwriter style track, and then the arrangement continually builds with every new section of the song as acoustic guitars, electric guitars, vocal arrangements, strings, and the beat come in.

It ends big and then everything cuts out for the final “If I’m honest, Will you love me?” talking directly to the listener.

The piano was played by my good friend Edu from the band Leven. I wrote very simple chords and then he came in and made it great. I love it.

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Please consider it if you enjoy my music. And thanks from the bottom of my heart if you do ?

← Back to #pinkfridays vol. II